Before the beginning

Life is strange when you're living in limbo.

Right before I had Elizabeth, it was exactly the same thing. For about three or four weeks, I felt like I was going to explode, not because I was necessarily sick of being pregnant (although, of course, that was becoming increasingly cumbersome); I was just sick of NOT having a baby! I had spent those months preparing myself mentally for being a mama, and when it finally hit me, around thirty-six weeks, that "Whoa! I am going to have a baby!," I wanted to have her in my arms that minute - I wanted to see her face. For weeks it seemed my life was on hold, in this weird middle land where I wasn't a mama, but I wasn't completely my own either. I didn't yet have that breaking-off experience, where you've transitioned completely into your new role. It seemed as if I had one foot in my past, and I was so eager and, eventually, anxious to jump right into the future.

Around nine centimeters, I realized "jumping" is not the best descriptor for that process.


Well, according to our wedding website (allisonandkameron.weddings.com, for anyone who hasn't seen it yet), we have twenty seven days until our wedding, and again, I'm in limbo. Actually, we're in limbo, but in different ways. I'm in limbo because I don't have a place, things, and a marriage that I can rightfully call my own. I don't quite yet belong to an established couple, yet with the way things have been, it seems unnatural that I'm not - or we're not, rather. It is the strangest thing for me call Kameron "my fiance;" that awkwardness is especially compounded by the fact that we already have a baby.

Kameron. Hmm. From what I'm gathering through actions and words, he's in a physical limbo. To use some of those words, "So close.... yet so far." He's not struggling with the "established couple" concept. I think he's just assumed that we've been married since about two months after we started dating - again, his words, not mine.

However, although this time is awkward, I know that this is the smaller piece of the time pie that Kam and I are going to be together. I'm really sad that I haven't kept a journal of what our lives have been and where they have taken us so far. I've also realized, in the past couple of months, and I am going to lose a big part of my daughter's babyhood if I don't write it all down.

Hence, the Winding Path.

Hope you all enjoy.