A little chagrined...

I got convicted.

I went shopping last week - I had just gotten some new students, and I was in desperate need of some new shoes, fast. I found the ones I wanted: Fitflops, brand new thing, great arch support (which I don't think I've ever had in shoes), and supposed to work your legs out while you're walking, but definitely a splurge: $50.

I bought them in spite of the price, and walked out of the store a very proud lady. When I got home I noticed that from walking on some dusty ground, my brand new, white flip flops had gotten dirt on them. Immediately I got a paper towel and cleaned them off, careful to make sure I'd gotten every smudge, and then stood back and looked at them proudly.

Then I looked at the clock. 5 pm and my husband was still not up. Unfortunately, my first response was to get miffed. Hadn't Elizabeth been throwing fits all day, and I'd worked hard, while he got to lay around and sleep all day? Like I was going to let that slide for a minute. Never mind that he had worked hard on night shift and needed as much extra sleep as he could get. My back hurt, the baby was fussy and I was going to let him know it.

I got myself into a pretty good huff, and went downstairs. "Do you want to keep on sleeping?" Innocent words, but my sensitive man got the message loud and clear: "I'm not happy." He woke out of his sleepy haze long enough to ask, "What's wrong?" very nicely before I left the room, planning in my head how I could make him feel guilty for sleeping eight and a half hours instead of eight, when he could have been that spending time with me.

But as I left the room, I took a look at those shoes. Bright white and squeaky clean, they might as well have had this plastered across them:

"Am I more important than your husband?"

I felt that sinking feeling down in the pit of my stomach that I've come to know from doing more than one thing I'm not too proud of. Just as I had finished valuing some shoes by treating them well and keeping them up, I went and slung dirt on my husband's spirit. I'd been selfish and wanted my husband to fix my "bad" day, and I'd shown that material things meant more to me than someone infinitely more valuable.

I waited for Kam to get up, then I threw my arms around him and kissed him. "I love you, honey. Thank you so much for being great."

Of course, this totally threw him; he was still back in the "What's wrong with her?" scene. But I didn't explain. I just figured, I'll change.

And I have, and am.

Excerpt from Manuscript E

Day 174 after I saw the light:

I met a new baby a few days ago.

My interactions with those of my same approximate size have been limited, to say the least. The Mom and the Dad need to get out more; my social life has been seriously stunted by their shut-in habits. I've met the small child called "Grublet" that the Auntie Meg carries around, and we seem to have a mutually understood relationship. I sometimes look at him, he sometimes looks at me, I sometimes try to eat him, and he's ok with it.

This new kid, however, did not understand this sort of relationship. He was a little bigger than me, and had a lot of dark stuff all over his head. Neither Grublet or I have any stuff, dark or light, on our heads, so immediately I knew this kid was up to no good. He seemed alright at first; we were both sitting on the big people's laps, expressing our needs and (as usual) not receiving near enough attention. They kept blah blah blahing to each other, and spent a ludicrously small amount time, proportionally, fawning over us. Oh well - I'm learning to endure it.

Back to the story. We were both sitting on laps, and for a while I thought that he understood that our limited rapport was going to be the rule, not the exception. I looked at him, he looked at me - a couple times he made noises at me, which was cool with.

How could I have known?

It started out peacefully enough. The big people got up from the table and went to the green area, where they set me on a blanket and proceeded to yell and laugh and generally leave me out. Since this sort of thing happens all the time nowadays, I've learned that, as the Mom sometimes says, "Sister's gotta do it for herself," and I did what I could on the blanket. I've become quite adroit at going from my back to the tummy, and back again, as long as I have a motive. It's usually my pink kitty, or cords on the floor, or whatever is bright colored and close by. I didn't have anything like that available, so I stayed on my tummy and sampled the blanket to see if it tasted as good as the rest of my blankets. Sometimes the Dad would come over and make me tickle, but other than that I was left to my own leisure.

Then it happened. I don't know where the other kid was while I was relaxing on the blanket, but all of a sudden there was the Mom, two ladies, and that kid. At first I was amenable to the idea. Then...

You won't believe this (I certainly didn't at first): the kid could move! I don't mean go from tummy to backside, like normal, respectable little people. I mean, he somehow put his diaper-part up in the air, moved his long, bendy next-to-heads, and came right towards me! I, not having this sort of freakish ability, was completely defenseless. I have never seen anyone, large or small, do that before; I don't know what was wrong with him, but I was terrified.

I was too shocked to do anything but lay there and stare. He came close to me, and although he had a smile on his face, I soon knew that his intentions couldn't possibly be good. I mean, the Grublet and I, we both know what the deal is. If one of us wants to touch the other, it's a quick thing touch, a passing glance of the hand - mostly, of course, because I can't get my hands where I want them to all the time, but the point remains. THIS kid, however... I'll never know how he did it. He didn't try to eat me, which is good (I barely know him, for crying out loud), but he took his little hands and he tried to grab me all over my head! He moved himself so that his head was touching mine on the front part. There I was, nose to nose and slobber to slobber with a kid I'd just met that day, and he was acting like I was his toy!

Now, I'm usually a baby who has herself together. But the way that this kid was coming at me, in conjunction with my complete lack of ability to get away from him, nearly made me pee myself (thank god my rear was covered). I cried out to the Mom, who apparently thought that the whole thing was funny, because she was laughing and "ahh"ing. Finally she got the hint, and my rescue came right in the nick of time. Who knows what that wild boy had in mind for me next?

Since that traumatic event, I have determined that I never want to be defenseless again. I would try moving about like the Mom and the Dad, but seeing as I haven't yet figured out how to pick up my top half, much less balance it on my bottom half, I think I must resort to doing it the way the boy did. So far, not a lot of luck, but if he can do it, by golly, so can I.

Resolutely,

EGW

PS: I can make noises out of my mouth that sound like when I fluff. The end.